Wednesday, April 19, 2006

this is me, this is who i am

i felt coldness, coldness i didn't expect
coldness that i sensed was thrown right back at me as in eye for an eye, or was it?

i admit i got myself in solitude involving, dwelling myself in some sort of addictive thing to keep myself busy single tasking my brain and drafting away from my social life unintentionally, i don't know why i do that but i tend to do it for long periods, distanced of course i don't do it often.

it might be a self defense mechanism trying to block my feelings towards what would drive me insane, that of what would piss me off, being left alone, people involved in their own and not noticing me, a friend, in need of communication, of being asked about how am i doing, feeling, am i rested or not am i happy, worried sad or angered.

what triggers it is giving up on initiating the contact almost all the time trying to keep the communication going, trying to be interesting trying to make you, the person who i consider i dear friend to be interested in me, i care

when i'm in that state of mind i monitor, wait and see if anyone asks, wonders and cares of whatever happened to me being in a sudden state of silence, busy from the moment i wake up till the second i close my eyes.

you (yeah you you know who you are) brought me back by finding out that somewhat of an attitude, innocent vague yet clear to my mind is present, i thank you for that.

i even think that the seriousness of these words i just wrote might be translated as cold and direct (are they?) but they're not, (there i go explaining myself) they're direct off my stiffed mind for that i didn't write my mind out for a long while now and i have prevented myself from reading anyone's since it happened.

i'm really sorry but it's nothing specifically personal you're my friend for god's sake i love you more than myself, i care truly and i wish you well and happiness, i also want you to wish me the same, it may be selfish i don't know it's just what i think of it but i also want the people i consider my friends that i care for to do the same, maybe cause it's in my nature to care and i do don't expect to be cared for as much but i hope for it and i look for it constantly.

damn i'm getting that fuzzy feeling possibly emotional cause i'm speaking my mind again, kinda feels good and i admit i missed it throughout that moment (yes, a moment in a life time span if you know what i mean)

i love you, all of you for just being that friend, i do appreciate that, simple friendship based on feeling the same, sharing thoughts and feelings mutual trust in sharing them fully speaking your heart and mind out, even thought you're only a bunch of few you're worth a whole to me (a whole what?, a whole 3ad eshdarrani hehe), oh yeah a whole lot (taw elnas..), i'd always be there in need or just for casual chat on the fly, to have let the steam on speaking your mind out, you know that i am a real good listener and i'm damn good at it too *brag brag brag blah blah*.

oh yeah, i am back into business you'll read a whole lot like you used to!, oh YAY back to reading some useless blabbery rants that usually have no point!, lucky you! hehe


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